On Death

[grammargirl]

The summer I was twelve years old, both my father and great-grandfather died--almost exactly a month apart. My father was living in New York at the time, and through communications snafus involving my mother not recognizing my father's new wife's name, we didn't even find out about his death until two weeks after the fact. He'd converted to Orthodox Judaism fairly recently, and because Jewish law dictates that the dead cannot be embalmed and thus must be buried almost immediately, I didn't get to go to his funeral--not that I would have been invited anyway, or been able to travel to New York even if I had been.

I have no memory of my great-grandfather's funeral. It's possible that my mother sent me to stay with friends or something.

All of which is to say that I have very little experience with death. In high school I attended two funerals when close friends had family members die, but though several relatives have died within my lifetime--great-grandfather and great-grandmother, father, and now my grandmother--I am not experienced with the ritual and procedure that accompanies the death of a close relative. I have no idea how long it takes to plan a funeral, if I am expected to be in attendance at the reading of the will, if I'm supposed to help clean out my grandmother's apartment. I don't understand the time frame.

And really, I don't know how to react, how to feel. My first instinct was to rush home to be with my mother, to blow off classes tomorrow so I could be with her, but she seems to want me to wait for the weekend. The biweekly PCAP meeting starts in about two hours--am I still supposed to go to that? It seems sort of silly to sit here by myself doing nothing, but I don't think I'd be able to contribute much to the meeting either.

I haven't cried yet. I don't know if I can.

Dammit, I just talked to her on my birthday, and she sounded so good. She was going to come to Thanksgiving with the family.

And I'm ashamed, because I can't make that stupid insistent voice in the back of my head shut up, the one that keeps whispering about wills and money and paying back student loans. I really, *really* do not want to be thinking these things right now.

My friend Amy just told me I could go over to her house and talk or just sit around or whatever, and as sitting around here is just making me more upset, I think I'm going to go spend some time with people.

Thanks, by the way, to everyone who has left comments for me. I really do appreciate it.

Comments

[adamant-turtle.livejournal.com]

Why wouldn't you have been able to attend your father's funeral? I can understand his new wife not wanting your mom there, but you, as his daughter, had the perfect right...

Go ahead and cry if you can - it's good to get it out.

[grammargirl.livejournal.com]

Well, see, it was complicated. I never knew my father--my parents got divorced when I was 20 months old, and he declined visitation rights. I only ever remember seeing him once, when I was six. So I didn't know him, I didn't know his new family, we couldn't have afforded to fly out to NY, and we found out two weeks after the fact in any case. All of which contributed to me not going to the funeral. So yeah, more about my crazy family than you probably care to know, but what can you do.

The crying still won't come. I suspect seeing my mom in a day or two will change that.

Thanks for your good thoughts.

[adam-oddfellow.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

It's a really weird, weird thing, the death of a family member. I've lived through it three times, also (father, grandfather, great-grandmother), but there's really not much I can offer except a hug. I'm sorry.

As for that voice in your head, the one that thinks the 'wrong' thoughts? Don't worry too much about it (if you can avoid it). Everyone has to deal with that voice. Well, at least, I do, every day. As for the money, well, if you get money, just be grateful to your grandmother. The best piece of advice I have is, don't feel guilty about the money, if you get it.

Anyway, I guess that's a bit side-tracked. I hope you're doing ok by the time you read this. Whenever I'm around online, I'm there to listen if you need me.

Love you, hope things get worked out.

[echo-eriol.livejournal.com]

Melanie, my dear, I only just checked lj today, so I do appologize for the quirky message I left on your phone last night. I am terribly sorry for you, and, were it viable, would fly right out there, give you a hug, then fly back.

I wish I had answers for your questions, but the truth is, I do not think there are rules. If you want to go to class, go to class--if not, don't. Just like any other day, you have the freedom to choose if going to school is more important or necessary than a day spent doing other things. Generally, people accept the excuse of a death in the family more readily than the less concrete reasons people have for playing hookey from commitments. If you feel you can go, then go. I found keeping up with things incredibly helpful this summer. And, it took me months to cry for my grandfather, though, even when they came, I am not entirely certain they were tears for him - or solely for him.

The voice in your head is rationality. We all have those voices. I'm not really the best person to give advice on not feeling guilty, but Adam is right, the guilt isn't necessary.

I don't know what else to say, except I love you, I miss you, and, as much as internet and telephone allow, I'm here for you.