Haingin' in there
Nov. 21st, 2003 12:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grammargirlSo I'm doing okay.
I talked to my mom and aunt today, and they both seem shaken but functioning fine. The funeral's Saturday afternoon; I'm going home tomorrow after I've finished registering for classes.
I've done nothing productive since Monday.
And okay, I know that my professors are going to cut me at least a little slack because of my grandmother, but really, they shouldn't. I won't be missing any school for this--I'm going home tomorrow and coming back Sunday. I did nothing on Tuesday and nothing today--Tuesday I took a hiatus from my ongoing nervous breakdown, and today after a whopping half hour of class (we ended early because everyone was so low energy and out of it) and meeting with a couple professors, I came home and slept on the couch for two hours. Again. I've spent most of tonight watching mindless television. Again.
This has less to do with Nonnie than I want to believe.
Maybe this would feel more okay if I was grieving more, but right now I'm in this limbo stage before I go home and see my mom and aunt and uncle, before I have to go to the visitation with the thing that will look like Nonnie but won't be her. Right now, this doesn't feel like grief; it feels like an excuse. But the thought of taking a shovel to the pile of writing I have to do just makes me feel sick to my stomach. So I'm sitting here making silly mp3 lists for my iPod ("Melanie Needs Energy" being the latest; "Guilty Pleasures" is next on the list), rereading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn because it's like a time machine to sixth grade, which weirdly feels like a pretty good place at the moment, waiting for the numbness to wear off so that I can either get some work done or at least be emotionally fucked up enough that I can be justified in doing nothing in particular.
*sigh* This is definitely not the best semester I've ever had.
I talked to my mom and aunt today, and they both seem shaken but functioning fine. The funeral's Saturday afternoon; I'm going home tomorrow after I've finished registering for classes.
I've done nothing productive since Monday.
And okay, I know that my professors are going to cut me at least a little slack because of my grandmother, but really, they shouldn't. I won't be missing any school for this--I'm going home tomorrow and coming back Sunday. I did nothing on Tuesday and nothing today--Tuesday I took a hiatus from my ongoing nervous breakdown, and today after a whopping half hour of class (we ended early because everyone was so low energy and out of it) and meeting with a couple professors, I came home and slept on the couch for two hours. Again. I've spent most of tonight watching mindless television. Again.
This has less to do with Nonnie than I want to believe.
Maybe this would feel more okay if I was grieving more, but right now I'm in this limbo stage before I go home and see my mom and aunt and uncle, before I have to go to the visitation with the thing that will look like Nonnie but won't be her. Right now, this doesn't feel like grief; it feels like an excuse. But the thought of taking a shovel to the pile of writing I have to do just makes me feel sick to my stomach. So I'm sitting here making silly mp3 lists for my iPod ("Melanie Needs Energy" being the latest; "Guilty Pleasures" is next on the list), rereading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn because it's like a time machine to sixth grade, which weirdly feels like a pretty good place at the moment, waiting for the numbness to wear off so that I can either get some work done or at least be emotionally fucked up enough that I can be justified in doing nothing in particular.
*sigh* This is definitely not the best semester I've ever had.
